Blended
families
Grandparents Can Help Blended Families Create
A Good Mix During the Holidays
by Sunie
Levin
"You
can't tell me what to do," Josh smugly announced. "You are not my
real grandfather." Art, his step grandfather, was hurt and shocked and furious.
But he kept his cool. He thought he and his wife got along well with his
daughter-in-law's children from a previous
marriage." But he didn't. He nearly bit his tongue in two to keep
from saying what he wanted to say. Instead, he suggested to his daughter-in-law
that Josh and he have a talk about grand children and grandparents and what the
entire situation meant for all of them.
Family life
for many has been altered by divorce, interfaith marriage and separation by
distance. Get togethers and holidays rarely prove
joyful times as depicted by the Brady's on T.V. More often, as families blend,
it produces stress all around. It can be difficult for children in a new family
especially when they have been comfortable with rituals and customs that were
repeated year after year in their in their former home.
Stepbrothers
and stepsisters are strangers, at the beginning. It takes time for them to get
to know each other, and everyone is touchy. Rivalry between children of the two
families is always either open or lurking below the surface. everyone
keeps score, and some feel they are losing.
The very
rituals that each family brings along with them can become an exciting
experience. Here's where grandparents can come in, big time. Grandparents, obviously aren't the parents, so they have a
different status, a different aura. They can help in the melding process by
exploring the different family traditions and pointing out how great they are
and by exploring the different family traditions and pointing out how great
they are by having two different sets it enhances the holiday experience for
everybody.
When there are two different
religious cultures involved this can be a minefield, but grandparents can, if
they are of a mind to, help the kids see the good points of each faith and that
the religions are not adversaries, but rather complementary.
Clearly, it's important to learn
what the parents feel and how they would prefer to deal with the holiday
season. Perhaps they would prefer that gifts for one set of kids be wrapped in
Christmas paper and Hanukkah wrappings for the other set.
So, specifically, what can you do
as a grandparent? In addition to being caring and insightful, here are a few
thought--small things, perhaps, but very useful to start building new
traditions for the blended family:
1. Bake
Christmas and Hanukkah cookies, decorating them colored sugars and candies
2. Begin a
scrapbook for the new blended family with baby pictures of each child and keep
it updated with added snapshots.
3. Each child
shares a favorite recipe and provide copies for
everyone
4. Sing
holiday songs that are special to each family can become an annual tradition
5. Playing
games can be a fun and bonding experience
6. Making
holiday decorations that can be put up in the house or on the tree
7. Be
extremely mindful of equity in giving gifts for children: believe me they
notice
8. Have them
join in gathering toys and food to help families
in need
Grandparents
usually are especially good at story telling. of story
telling. Share what it was like at holiday time when you were young.
Encourage each child to share a story of what they enjoyed most for holidays.
You don't have to do things a certain way although it should be some
combination of old traditions with new. Be particularly sensitive to anyone for
whom this may be their first holiday together. Be
patient. It takes time for the new blended situation to have the feel of one
single family. Grandparents can be extremely helpful in the process, but they
need to be mindful of the sensitivities of the situation. With luck, it
won't be all that long before rude Josh starts calling you 'Gramps.
______________________________
Sunie Levin holds
degrees in psychology and education. She has lectured and held workshops
around the country, appeared on national T.V. and radio. Her books on grand
parenting, as well as Make New Friends Live Longer are available at amazon.com and http://www.makenewfriendslivelonger